I was walking my dog, once again contemplating that fateful vote on halting the evolutionary development of dogs. I neglected to tell you about the tiny minority of dogs from the more intellectual breeds--the dogs with shorter legs, like the Scottish terrier--that pointed out that most of them were already neutered and spayed, rendering humping a lot less fun than it used to be. But mass hysteria won the day, the beagles and German shepherds drowning out any opposition with their baying and barking. Most dog historians today regard that decisive vote as one of the pinnacles of dog history, second only to Lassie winning an Emmy in 1954 for the episode when Timmy fell down a well and Lassie had to throw down a piece of wood for Timmy to float on and had to run home and bark so that the family could understand that Timmy was down a well. Whenever I speak of that win at the dog park the dogs become reverent in their attitude, they gather around me in a half-circle and look at me with watery brown eyes. The more chic of the breeds, namely the miniature poodles, try to remind everyone that Lassie was actually played by a male actor, but the other dogs ignore the poodles.
Which brings me to the concept of Vis-a-Vis, a phrase I used in graduate school liberally. I love foreign phrases. I seldom know what they mean, even after I look them up on Wiktionary and press the button to hear the pronunciation--something about a reciprocal relationship, whatever that means. "the trajectory of China's hegemony vis-a-vis Korea." My graduate professors would write: "What do you mean? Are you saying that Korea had the same aspirations to take over China? You need a citation for that." Well, no problem. In 1989 the internet had barely gotten off the ground, and most graduate professors didn't know how to look anything up on the internet at that time anyway. So you could just cite Smith, Walter and Smith, Violet, and their book Vis-a-Vis published by Harvard Press in 1986. No, maybe New London Press would be more obscure, yes. You couldn't get away with that nowadays. Though I do know how to put up websites. I could slap up pictures of Walter K. Smith. Hmm, He bears a striking resemblance to Michael Moore as James Bond. And Violet M. Smith, she looks like Farrah Fawcett in that movie where she wore a leopard skin bikini. Wow! The rumor was they had a torrid love affair that was so hot, Vis-a-Vis flew off the shelves. And it won a Pullitzer in 1987. But now, alas, it is out of print. Used copies are available for---$183 per copy--plus $3.99 for shipping.
And what was I thinking getting that graduate degree? I owe a whole heck of a lot of money and I get to use my education by saying clearly and concisely into the microphone: "Could you please repeat that order?" "And you said your son wanted the Snickerdoodle Meal or the Whackydoodle meal?" "Well, that's fine that he's four years old, but I need you to ask him--okay, yes, four and a half years old, but could you ask him which--I don't need to know your birthday. Ma'am? Ma'am? I just need him to decide which meal so that I can give you your total and you can drive forward, hopefully with the correct change, to the next--Oh, the Snickerdoodle meal? Excellent choice vis-a-vis the Snickerdoodle meal. And would you like fries with that?"
Which brings me to the concept of Vis-a-Vis, a phrase I used in graduate school liberally. I love foreign phrases. I seldom know what they mean, even after I look them up on Wiktionary and press the button to hear the pronunciation--something about a reciprocal relationship, whatever that means. "the trajectory of China's hegemony vis-a-vis Korea." My graduate professors would write: "What do you mean? Are you saying that Korea had the same aspirations to take over China? You need a citation for that." Well, no problem. In 1989 the internet had barely gotten off the ground, and most graduate professors didn't know how to look anything up on the internet at that time anyway. So you could just cite Smith, Walter and Smith, Violet, and their book Vis-a-Vis published by Harvard Press in 1986. No, maybe New London Press would be more obscure, yes. You couldn't get away with that nowadays. Though I do know how to put up websites. I could slap up pictures of Walter K. Smith. Hmm, He bears a striking resemblance to Michael Moore as James Bond. And Violet M. Smith, she looks like Farrah Fawcett in that movie where she wore a leopard skin bikini. Wow! The rumor was they had a torrid love affair that was so hot, Vis-a-Vis flew off the shelves. And it won a Pullitzer in 1987. But now, alas, it is out of print. Used copies are available for---$183 per copy--plus $3.99 for shipping.
And what was I thinking getting that graduate degree? I owe a whole heck of a lot of money and I get to use my education by saying clearly and concisely into the microphone: "Could you please repeat that order?" "And you said your son wanted the Snickerdoodle Meal or the Whackydoodle meal?" "Well, that's fine that he's four years old, but I need you to ask him--okay, yes, four and a half years old, but could you ask him which--I don't need to know your birthday. Ma'am? Ma'am? I just need him to decide which meal so that I can give you your total and you can drive forward, hopefully with the correct change, to the next--Oh, the Snickerdoodle meal? Excellent choice vis-a-vis the Snickerdoodle meal. And would you like fries with that?"